A DISCUSSION WITH A TRAINED PARROT

Owner:  So, Polly, would you like a cracker?

Polly:  (squawk) Please don’t patronize me.

Owner:  Why, Polly, whatever do you mean?

Polly:  The cliché is both demoralizing and ignorant.  (squawk)

Owner:  Wow.  Those are mighty big words, Polly.  Where did you learn them?

Polly (stretching wings, hopping sideways on perch):  Through time-consuming vocal training as taught by

you.

Owner:  Does that mean you simply repeat the words without an comprehension of the meaning?

Polly:  Yes, I suspect so.

Owner:  Do you know what you are saying now?

Polly (nibbling at wing with tip of beak):  No.

Owner:  Then how are you able to answer my questions?

Polly:  Once again, through rigorous training exercises a la Pavlov.  My love for (squawk) sustenance assists greatly in the matter.

Owner (giving the parrot a few pellets of unknown treat):  Don’t underestimate yourself.  Your intelligence is quite obviously head and shoulders above other birds.

Polly:  No, sir.  Any monkey could do it.

Owner:  Quite the contrary.  Monkeys do not and cannot speak in the manner you do.

Polly:  What are you saying?

Owner:  That you are special.

Polly:  I am merely doing as I am trained (squawk).

Owner:  Come now.  Are you inferring that if I were to ask a question not yet learned in your exercises, you would be unable to reply?

Polly (bobbing head randomly):  Yes. 

Owner:  Interesting.  Do you have a girlfriend?

Polly (hopping on side of cage and sliding down the bars toward water dish):  I don’t know what that means?

Owner:  But you do understand the question?

Polly:  No.  (sips water with pencil-thick gray tongue)

Owner:  Then how were you able to answer?

Polly:  I was trained to reply accordingly at that particular juncture.

Owner:  Very intriguing.  Well, thank you for your time.  You have enlightened us all.

Polly:  Hardly.  You are a buffoon.

Owner:  Thank you for your time.

Polly:  (squawk)